


Damn I Love Fish

by bobadeluxe



Series: Things to do in an eternal paradise [1]
Category: Hades (Video Game 2018)
Genre: Fishing, Fluff, M/M, Mutual Pining, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-25 07:28:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22492333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobadeluxe/pseuds/bobadeluxe
Summary: Theseus acquires the rod of fishing from Lord Poseidon.
Relationships: Asterius | The Minotaur/Theseus (Hades Video Game)
Series: Things to do in an eternal paradise [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1619428
Comments: 14
Kudos: 152





	Damn I Love Fish

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Как же я люблю рыбу](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27267025) by [Merryada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merryada/pseuds/Merryada)



> I am back on my bullshit again.  
> Trying writing in present tense and ugh why english hard

Theseus hates losing; heroes don't _lose_. That is not how the legends go! All Theseus does is win, and rightly so. If that fiend manages to defeat him then, why, he must have resorted to trickery as dishonorable good-for-nothing wretches like him tend to do! Was it possible that the hellspawn _actually_ had real battle prowess?... No. Nooo. That is ludicrous! His weapons were stolen from warriors more worthy than him! His powers, his _everything_ as a matter of fact, were merely handed to him! He is not deserving of _anything_ whatsoever! Such as…

W-Well, the rod of fishing!

How come that blackguard acquired the rod of fishing before  _ him _ ?

This is unacceptable. Theseus swore that he shall best the scoundrel in combat, but clearly, that is not enough. He will have to defeat him at the arts of fishing as well. Let there be no area of expertise that Theseus did not assert his dominance; his superiority will be made known to that insignificant hellspawn in each and every way! That should not be difficult, for Theseus simply excels at everything he does. It is just how it is.

Acquiring the rod of fishing proved to be more uncomfortable than he expected. He worships the gods still in the afterlife, and would not dare disrespect them, never! Let alone questioning their judgment. It's just.. It upsets him a great deal that Lord Poseidon bestowed the rod of fishing upon some lowlife before  **him** , the greatest king of Athens. He may not be renowned for his fish catching skill, but it has been told to him on multiple occasions that he is 'pretty good.' He thought they had a special bond but alas, the whims of gods are fickle indeed. Oh, how awful it is to be proven wrong. Or just be wrong in general. Theseus hates the feeling and hope he won't have to suffer through 'being wrong' ever again. Even looking at Lord Poseidon in the eyes now is painful after the figurative betrayal. If he has to humbly beg through gritted teeth for something he should've already earned again a second time, it would be two times too much. Fortunately, Lord Poseidon did not take notice of Theseus' barely suppressed rage. He is enthusiastic that Theseus took interest in fishing, and is more than willing to bless him with the rod. Why are the gods of Olympus helping that monster, anyway? Ugh. He doesn't understand at all.

"Go forth and discover the magnificent creatures that lurk deep beneath the river Lethe, King Theseus! My rod of fishing shall assist you in your ventures."

"Much obliged, Lord Poseidon. I am eternally grateful for your generosity." Theseus bows. He feels nauseated. Oh gods. He should not be feeling nauseated in paradise.

Thanks to his remarkable self-control, Theseus did not vomit on himself, though whether it is possible or not for shades to vomit remains a mystery. He is just glad he made it out of there with the rod of fishing before he humiliates himself further. The god's powers should be granted to him because he's worthy, he shouldn't have to beg for it! Now he is concerning himself with matters that he never considered even once, matters such as his self-worth and his talents and… gah! This is what losing does to heroes - it breeds doubt! Theseus will just have to prove to himself- NO! - to Lord Poseidon that he too could wield the rod of fishing as well as his trusty spear, and he does it better than that demon! Asterius will be his witness, for he is going to catch the biggest, most impressive, most majestic fish there is. The gods above will be in awe at the fruit (fish?) of his labor, and the monsters down below will be infuriated with jealousy! Why, if mortals catch wind of his fish, they will salivate at the mere thought of it. They will race to the Temple of Styx with a battering ram because this fish is, literally, to die for.

Theseus marches to their personal chambers, kicks the door down and then yells, "It is finally time, Asterius! We have dominated the Elysium stadium, now we must conquer the Lethe river. I have brought with me the rod of fishing, a blessing from Lord Poseidon himself - "

Asterius looks extremely unimpressed.

Theseus falters, something he never does in front of others - yet it happens at an alarming rate with Asterius. The bull manges to flutter Theseus all the time; it is embarrassing.

“Uh, what I meant to say was… Would you like to go fishing with me, Asterius?”

Asterius snorts. A soft, low, rumbling sound that Theseus adores so much. His expression softens, and his beady black eyes crinkle at the corners. “Very well. Lead the way, king.”

Theseus is smitten.

* * *

Fishing turns out to be a complete bore and a half. Theseus is already dead, but fishing can and WILL bore him to death once again any second now. Being thrown off a cliff is a far superior fate in comparison to this tedious slog through the river Lethe. He doesn’t get to do..  _ Anything _ . Nothing at all except standing by the riverside and holding the rod. Theseus remembers fishing to be a whole lot more thrilling than this. Him, posing on his great ship (named after himself of course), with the most massive fish mankind has ever laid eyes on. (Well, maybe it was not THAT big but..) He caught it himself with his spear! He threw it from the ship with astonishing accuracy, and pulled the fish up from the raging waves with nothing but the strength in his muscles. The thing looked breathtakingly ugly, but that just made Theseus look more dashing next to it. Princess what's her face from Some Land was swooning. Everyone clapped.

Well, Asterius is not doing a lot of swooning right now.. or at all, really. Theseus doesn't blame him. There is nothing impressive about him failing time and time again, like an ass, to catch one single fish. It takes what feels like fifty years for one fish to bite, and then he wastes the opportunity every time by pulling the rod either too soon or too late. He is frustrated beyond belief at his reflex, which is usually sharper than this. In combat, Theseus is nimble on his feet and is quick to react to any threat coming his way. He is well-trained and his phantom muscles still remember how to respond. In fishing however, he is constantly failing. It is starting to feel humiliating now. He wants Asterius to witness how great he is, not… whatever it is that he is doing. This is shameful.

He tries to be calm and collected, but then he fails again and -  **"Gah! Blasted fish! Stupid!"**

He is THIS close to snap the rod in half over his knees, but Asterius stops him before he could offend Lord Poseidon. Asterius puts one hand on his shoulder, the comfortable weight steels him in place, and the warmth from his sleek fur helps calming him down. It feels good.

"Be patient, king," Asterius consoles him. 

"I am patient! I - " Theseus sighs. "I am trying."

"You have the rod, and every skill required to wield it. The only thing you are lacking is patience."

"Oh that is easier said than done," Theseus snaps. A force of habit that he immediately regrets but not before he shoves the rest of his foot into his mouth. "If you can do better then please, demonstrate!"

Uh.

He only has one rod. 

He was so obsessed with defeating that demon, he forgets to bring his companion another rod of fishing as well. The worst part is that even if he  _ did  _ remember, he doubts Lord Poseidon would grant the same generosity towards Asterius. In Theseus' eyes Asterius is not a monster, not anymore, he redeemed himself when he chose the path of life. Alas, the gods would not agree with him. He is still the Minotaur as far as they're concerned. Even Asterius himself seems convinced that no god favors him so. It is... sad.

"I.. I am sorry," Theseus says. He is ashamed of himself.

Asterius blinks, "What for?

"I was distracted by the thoughts of that demon defeating me in the arts of fishing, I did not even consider bringing you a rod of your own!"

"Why would I need a fishing rod?" He snorts. "I have no use for it."

"Be that as it may, it's a matter of principles! We're comrade in arms, you deserve a fair share of everything that I earn, and nothing less. I have neglected you in this regard."

Asterius considers him for a moment before slowly agreeing, "Hm. I suppose you can be self-involved at times."

Theseus winces, "Is that bad?"

"It's not good - "

"Oh gods!"

"- nor bad," Asterius quickly adds. "It is just the way that you are. I have no problem with it."

"Oh-oh, I see. Well then," Theseus blushes like a fool. "I am glad to hear that, Asterius."

"Hm."

"I hope you are not too mad at me - "

"I am not."

"Right. Yes. Of course. Good to know. I'd hate to offend-  **Sweet Zeus on a stick** something is biting! Ah!"

Theseus yelps and fumbles over the rod in surprise, the fish having caught him completely off-guard. He is either going to fall into the river face first or he is going to lose the rod - oh, wait, neither happened. Asterius catches him in time from behind, and wraps his arms around Theseus to hold the fishing rod steady. Their bodies are pressed together, and they are basically  _ holding hands _ ! Sort of. It was more like holding the rod together. Still. Theseus doesn't get to enjoy the sensation for long though, because he has to catch this fish! With both of their strength combined,  _ just like in battle,  _ Asterius pulled the rod up and - success!

"Finally! Oh, Asterius, thank you!" Theseus turns around and hugs him. The rod is forgotten and thrown away in the heat of excitement. Asterius catches it, of course. He is perfect.

"Y-you are welcome, king." Aw, is he stuttering? That is cute. 

"What would I do without you?" Theseus buries his face into Asterius' soft fur, sighing dreamily. "This fish was quite a challenge indeed, but it could not resist against the bond of warriors - "

"It is not a fish."

Theseus gasps and jerks away, **"Whaat?!"**

Sure enough, the creature on the opposite of the rod that Asterius is holding is NOT a fish. It is not even biting on the bait. It is  _ clamping  _ on it, because it is a clam!

"What trickery is this! This is not the rod of clams! It's supposed to catch fish!" Theseus screams in frustration.

Asterius, on the contrary, finds the situation amusing. He starts to laugh and it's such.. a wonderful sound. Theseus' train of thought comes to a stop as he stares, eyes wide and mouth agape, as his companion. His laughter is loud, booming from his chest. When he gets giddy, he snorts and… What was Theseus saying again?

He starts laughing along with Asterius, despite himself. His anger fades as quickly as it comes. Oh well, a clam is better than nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> I literally never catches ANY fish in Elysium. I saw a fishing point once but I was too quick and already walked into another chamber. It's all kuckleheads for poor me.
> 
> Once again, thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed it! Sorry for any mistake I've made.


End file.
